I believe I have both of these. And it makes me even more mad at my sister, my mother, and all others who have hurt me throughout my life, including those in industrial farming who've helped me become so depleted, those who create and sell chemicals that have made all this worse, and every jerk... along with many others. I've been doing endless research on my health conditions and on how I can improve my health, each find generating many more finds, and I'm having a hard time handling this huge influx of info and as well the emotions that my findings bring up.

I can no longer even make simple phone calls because I have nothing left in me for anyone. I cannot handle the smallest things... and it really really hurts me that so many people do not believe I am going through what I am, or the great extent of it, and all because it's not something that can be easily seen by others. I'm so dang frustrated that conventional medicine won't be able to treat me as I need, that the chiropractors I've seen who do try to help me haven't understood just how bad my health is, and that the ones who might most help me cost money we haven't been able to afford yet, and the thought of insurance companies not funding the help I would need because they're so ingrained in modern, western medicine just makes it all the worse. I've HAD to do my own research and piece things together for myself because no one else has done it thoroughly enough it seems, my problems are that complex, and no one has believed that it's as bad as it is.

And it just gets worse and worse. More and more stress keeps getting placed on me when I can't handle any right now and need to focus on recovering from the obnoxious amounts that have been thrown at me throughout my life. It's not fair; I can't handle anything anymore. I tried SOOO dang hard for SOO many years to deal with what came at me, and I thought I did a pretty dang good job at it too... but now my body is screaming what my heart and head screamed for so long and I continue to cry about. There are grave physical affects to the emotions we feel, and even if your heart and your head "deal" with it all and even if you feel you've moved on, your body remembers, and it will testify to all the negativity that's gone on in you through diseases, illness, cancer, and even death. I wish what's wrong with my body could be more visible to everyone, but part of its curse is that it's invisible and no one is familiar with it.

Why did they do this to me??? All I've ever tried to do is help people and be good to them. So sue me that I was born with sin in me... I've tried with all I've got to combat that so I can help those who need it.... Is this how I'm being repaid?!?! I tried to do my sister and my mother good- to help them.... They'll never have any idea what they've put me through. As a result of all the stress and pain in my life my body is so broken I may not be able to have a healthy pregnancy until I'm near 30, when my body will naturally be less supportive of it and the chances for more ill health worse... and I really did want to have kids in my early to mid twenties. I'm now 24... TWENTY-FOUR!!! And I'm finding out that if I work my butt of trying to regain my health I could take more than TWO YEARS just to replenish the minerals stress and pain have stolen from my body. And then it'll require even more time to release the toxins that have built up in my body and become an integral part of it. I've had a miscarriage because of this, and if I were to conceive while still ill like this most likely I'd have another one. And even if my health were to improve to the point where I'd be feeling at least DECENT, if I conceived then most likely the child would end up with serious health problems of its own. Thanks MOM, thanks SIS! What wonderful influences you've been in my life.

I am physically, emotionally and spiritually burned-out. God has His reasons, and I'm struggling with all I've got to maintain faith and hope in that, but failing time and again through great discouragement and hopelessness. Is God really going to deliver what He promised me through His own voice that He let me hear all those years ago? It's been my main reason to live, and the one thing I'd sacrifice all else for. I just want to be a usable vessel for Him; that's all I want out of this life in the end. I don't care what anyone else says, He promised this to me; I'm just fearing so dreadfully that He's MEAN, and that He won't hold to His word. I'm supposed to understand that all these trials are the food I need for the goal I most want... but they just hurt so bad, and I'm so WEAK.... It's not FAIR!! Right now I don't like this system. Yeah, maybe this is for my good, and more importantly, will help me help others better... but it just hurts... and I'm so tired... and nobody believes me... and it looks like I'm just a lazy BUM who mooches and.... But I'm too tired to help myself or make things different; and my body demands that I be this BUM that everyone sees and gets mad at and blames and accuses. It's for YOUR SAKE that I go through this! I prayed so fervently for it so many years ago: "Lord, give me all the pain that everyone else feels so that they may not feel it; send me to HELL even, as long as they don't have to feel the fire themselves." And I meant that as sincerely as I could ever have. And now that I'm in the middle of the flames I'm hurting, and I hate it, and I just want out so I can be comfortable and maybe even happy. It better be worth it in the end.

My body cannot turn protein, fat or sugar into energy properly. My brain cannot think properly. My body doesn't have the reserves for minor frustrations or pains anymore. I feel like it's shutting down on me. I need a break, and in a place where I can feel SAFE and secure and comfortable and happy. God has been testing my faith that this could happen, and it's devastating when I feel hope die within me.

I need physical support, and to do that I'm researching my butt off to try to find out the best way to get that. I also need emotional support; I need to feel that I won't be hurt any further and assurance that I didn't deserve this and that I'm not the horrible person I feel like people see me as these days. I also need spiritual support- in the form of encouragement for my faith and hope, and also prayer that I get through this as I should, learn all I can, and that it can be made worthwhile by being put to good use through service later on. I'm such a mess and I'm sorry for that; I just can't help myself, can't do other than I have been doing... I just want to be out of this so I'm no longer a burden on others but a pillar of strength to them, as I've always wanted and tried to be. Please give me a break; it's only temporary... or so I hope.